"I want to hear, just once, from someone close, that they don't know what they'd do without me."

I want you to be sorry
I want you to mean it
I want you to understand why
I want to not be so easy and patient
I want to stand up for myself
Even to you
Even though I don't want to
I want to feel important to someone for once
I want to feel like you're afraid to lose me
I want to not feel so inferior
I want to not take all this to work
I want to be able to hold back the tears
I want surprises
Roses and kisses
Love and hugs
I want to tell you
God why can't I just tell you
I want...
Nothing to change..
It just wouldn't be you..
And that's not what I want

Talk about a stab in the back..Of all people. I can't believe it.

So right now I'm sitting here watching bear sleep on the cliff on a mountain. It's about 50 degrees outside, sun shinning, babe at home with the dog, and I'm here. My shoulders keep getting tighter and I wonder if I'll have enough food or get hungry before the nights over. I won't feel the day. Won't enjoy the fresh breeze...

Oh, there it goes..
"Sure...Dr. Alexander dial 3979. Dr. Alexnader, 3979."
I wonder if they can hear it in my voice.
There it is again...
"Hi, can you connect me to room 410."
"Sure. Hold on.."
And back to typing this.

I hate it. I skip to my car everytime I leave this place. Talk about a dead-end fucking job. Here it is. Be a telephone operator. Sure, they'll always need operators but, come on! I'd give my left kidney to go back to circuit city. It's all old ladies here. If they're not convincing you not to get married, then they're convincing you to not have kids. They're crazy in their own way. They're ok with sitting on their asses for eight and a half hours a day answering phone calls. No human interaction. No laughing. Sometimes I think there's a sign on the walls around here that say no laughing. It's dreadful. I refuse to go fulltime and be stuck in a place like this. They look at me and keep adding on the days saying they're trying to "keep me out of trouble." I don't do anything to put me in trouble. . . . .So either I work 3-11..by time I wake up, it's already time to get ready for work and too late at night to do anything when I'm done. And if I work the 11:30-8, there's no seeing daylight but a slight chance to do something at night if it doesn't involve going to a public place cause they all msotly close at 9. GRR

Things are amazing though with him. Guess I can't ask for anymore than that.

I need to talk.
I can't stop crying.
I don't know what to do.
And my nose bleeds...again.
:'(








FUCKIN WHY! WASN't IT ENOUGH ALREADY??

We laughed. You say I made you smile when no others could and I believed it for the first time last night. Your laugh made me so happy. We joked about stupid things. But sometimes it's the stupid little things that mean the most. Today I woke up to the sound of your voice. So sweet so early in the morning. And then I remembered my days there. Waking with the store. Being the first to turn on the lights. Enjoying the silence and laughs of fellow co-workers. People my age. Sharing my feelings. Sharing the laughs and tears and hugs. The stupid jokes that made us laugh the most. And my heart felt like it broke again. The same feeling I had when I first decided to leave. Sometimes I'm happy it's over. Not seeing certain faces. Not doing more work than I should making less pay than most deserved. Being able to hold him without guilt. In the end maybe it'll be worth it. But for now it breaks my heart to lose my family there.

:'(

January 8th :D

It's funny how things work out. How I remember getting a glimpse of a person almost 3 years ago, just randomly walking by them, never saying a word to them. And today I'm laying in his arms, smiling, never feeling so different. The second time, I grabbed him and squeezed him so hard. I felt that if I held him so tight, I wouldn't let anyone hurt him again..the way he was hurting now. I'd take away all his pain for him. And I still wish for that today. It's my secret I guess you could say. The one thing that eats me alive everyday. Something I could never control but if I could ask for one thing from God, it'd be to have her back. I know it would make his heart stop breaking. And it'd be so worth it. Noone would have to see the pain I see in him everyday. But I guess it's funny the way things work out. The way I barely knew him then but...

I wish I could give my life for hers. Have her pain. Have him be happy. But I can't. It's too late. And it kills me everyday.

I'm sorry baby.

You don't have to know.
I'm not going to tell you.
Any of you.
Noone deserves to know.
Oh and just so you didn't know..
I hate everything about you.

For once in my life I don't have to pretend to be happy.
When I'm with you it just happens.

I was strolling home today. A nice breeze in the shade blowing on my face. The sun melting on my skin. It made me think of one specific day. I don't remember the exact date. Just that it was the happiest time of my life. I believe it was in the middle of June.

We decided to take a walk. That was our "thing." We started out at the beginning section of Pennypack and were going to continue through. I had hoped that we would reach the end but that never happened.

We were on the third section of the park..it was different than the first two. It seemed more open...more used by the public. To me at least. It was still beautiful in it's own unique way. He wore a red shirt. I don't know why I remember that...

It was a while before he was going to leave for that month. Least it seemed like we had a while. Yet at the same time it felt like it was right around the corner. We were laughing and joking as usual. Being sarcastic with each other. His laugh always made me happy. And the way we walked..I guess you had to be there to feel as happy as we were.

He started talking about it...about the month away from me. I don't remember how it came up. I don't remember what he had said. All I knew was that my heart skipped a beat and I exploded. I burst into tears in the middle of the path. I pretended like I was just hugging him because I didn't want to show him how weak I was. I guess it didn't help that I turned his red shirt a dark dark red from the tears haha. He asked me what was wrong and I couldn't speak. After finally catching my breath, I managed to stutter, "You're leaving me."

I think it hurt him to think about it. But I couldn't relinquish the fear in my heart. He grabbed me tighter and whispered in my ear, "I'm not leaving you. I promise." And I did my amazing transformation from sad to happy tears. I held him even tighter and kissed his loveable freckled lips.

The memories are nice...Every one is sweeter than the next. And throughout time they will become a distant dream. But I'll always remember those words whispered in my ear. Even if it is like poison dripping in an open wound.

I finally caught 11:11...it has been a while.
I made my wish...
It wasn't for you to be happy which is what I usually wish for.
It was for you to thank me.

...I don't think it will come true.


I'm sorry.

I wonder when it will stop..

If I can ever live a day without missing you..

Will I be able to smile without it being a memory of you..

I just want to know..

Hmm?

I hate this pain. I've never felt it before. I can't even describe it unless you've gone through it before.

I'll be doing work, talking to people, eating, even when I laugh..I get this unbearable pain in my chest. I want to fall over. It's the worse stabbing pain in my chest. Like physical heart break..I didn't think it even existed.

There's a fine line between love and hate. I don't want to hate you. You PROMISED me that you'd never hurt me. Well..you lied. You lied just like the rest of them. You PROMISED you wouldn't leave me like they all did. You lied again. You left me. Soon that dream will come true as well. Soon I will completely disappear from your life. I'll be just a distant memory and soon I will just be a dream you had once when you were young. You won't come back to me like you said you would. You won't be my friend forever. I wish I could just get over you. I hate this stupid fuckin fake smile I put on everyday. I want to cry my heart out. Every second I use all my energy to keep myself from breaking down and crying. It's hard for me to keep breathing.

Did I make it that easy for you to walk right in and out of my life??




And so the tears will keep falling...

You never know who your friends are...

haha I told you they were all lying to your face.

The wind doesn't rush in the window and brush across my skin.
My hair doesn't fly in the breeze and twist into knots.
The sun doesn't beat on my skin with it's beautiful setting rays.
The car doesn't jerk with every bump it grazes.
The music isn't playing.
It isn't speaking to me.
It just blocks out all the noise.
Part of me wishes it would block out all the pain.
I keep my eyes shut and remember..
My hand lays in the center of the seats
I dream--
I can feel the wind, the sun, and the touch of your skin.
You hold my hand..
With no intention of letting go.
I hear your laugh, your breath, your silence.
I'm peaceful.
The crampness of the backseat doesn't bother me when I'm with you.
You squeeze my hand.
The car skreeches to a stop.
I open my eyes.
I see them smile at each other.
They're laughing.
They're happy.
And you're not here.

I'm not ok.

I'm broken.

I won't be ok.

Nothing will be ok.

I lied to myself.

The way he lied to me..

He lied to save me.

I can't be saved.

And soon it will be over..

ALL. OVER. AGAIN.



I'd never want to see you unhappy. I thought you'd want the same for me.

The rain..one of my favorite things about life.

I can finally feel something touch my skin instead of feeling pains in my heart.
I can crying with all my might and not a single person will stare.
I can become a kid again and smile and splash around without worries.

Without worries. ...I actually smiled once today. A good memory came across my mind and it made me genuinally smile. I don't remember the memory now but to cut through these tears it must have been good.

Time feels so short when you think about it. How yesterday we were 4 and 5 and now we own cars, were getting better jobs, and were moving out of our parents house soon. When the years seem to go by so fast, just imagine how fast the days go by. You can't remember every single day. But the memories..they're enough to last a lifetime.

The past couple days I've been living off of memories. And only them. Nothing seems right. Nothing seems sane. Today might be the last day my heart is in one piece. But I'll always remember.

Tomorrow might be the best day of your life. You just have to get through today first.

Is it ironic I saw 2 clouds yesterday that looked like a broken heart??

The days have felt colder to me. Goosebumps cover my arms and legs.
The song continues to play in the background. The sounds of the piano..the speechless feeling in my heart. Left only with a million thoughts and no word that can describe a single one. Where does it come from? Why does it always come back? That same feeling of never being good enough. Was it rooted deep inside me from past relationships? Or was it brought upon by family? The paths are unclear through the dense fog. Which path is the right one to take? Will he be at the end of the tunnel when the way is found?

Don't you wish you could fast forward through your life, just to know that you made it out alive at the end of the game. Instead, you wake up everyday wondering if 'Game Over' is going to flash on the screen. It's all a game.

Words are spoken through my eyes. Through my tears. Will he understand them?

Since the last time I made a post, life has been extremely challenging. It's been a really crazy ride and I can't believe I made it out alive. Lately, everything has been wonderful. Let me tell you of this person...

So cliche, but he is amazing. I cry thinking about how great he is. I've known him for a while, never really noticing something was inside of him that would capture my heart the way it has.

His composure is usually mellow. Never really showing any true emotion. He's not one to wear his heart on his sleeve.
One of my biggest goals was to try and make him laugh. I don't care how stupid I looked, I just wanted to make him laugh. And when he did, my heart smiled.
His eyes almost tell a story. One that you can't comprehend, yet again you can't look away.
And his smile..I'm still trying to figure that one out. It's like the brightest sunshine after a thunderstorm. It'll make you smile just by looking at him.

Enough about his looks. His personality is another winning aspect.
His sense of humor..well it's about as dry as the Nevada desert but it's irreplaceable. I know he gets it from his mom. His jokes about everything and anything, his carefree view on life...even in his silence he still makes me laugh.
His manners are unlike what I have ever received. He's polite. He has a good temper. He knows how to calm me down instead of yelling at me for being a mess.

If you know me, I tend to cry for absolutely no reason. Things go through my mind and I think the worse of everything, but times it by 10. For a while I swore I was going to be with Rich forever. He was it. That that was all there was in the world. And can I tell you...GOD NO! There are more people out there!
I am so lucky to find him. I thought I would be stuck with getting tossed around for the rest of my life and now...things can only get better. He treats me like a lady. He notices who I am as a person and he even notices when I walk into a room. I am not just some piece of ass to him. He treats me with respect and I am so thankful to have him in my life. I am so grateful I got out of that relationship. I never knew I was missing out on so much. I feel blessed to hold him whenever I can. He is beautiful to me. Just by knowing him I want to better myself as a person and I cannot thank him enough for that.

He is my squishy!! <<333



Two lives, One love.

I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU
I don't know how many time I have to say it!!!! I'm so fuckin mad!!! LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO ME. IM FUCKIN EMPTY INSIDE.
Nobody understands.
Nobody wants to listen.
She'll get over it.
She's fine. Look how strong she's been so far.
God, I'm crying so fuckin hard inside and I can't talk to anyone about it.
I'm so fuckin lonely!!
I feel like I'm back to square one..."Hi. My name's Rachael. How can I make you happy today? Oh, here's a knife. Just stab me right here in the heart to get it out of the way and then you can go on with your day."

I'm sorry I'm upset. I'm sorry I'm lonely. I'm sorry for being like this. I know it's for my own good. I know I can't go back. I feel like I'm in rehab and I'm going to relapse. But noone cares. They just don't want to see me with him. Ok I get that. But once I tell them I'm ok with that it's like they all run off. I'm going through this alone and it sucks. I just want someone to know that I'm faking a smile everyday. That those laughs aren't really. That my heart aches so bad in the morning when I wake up. That I lie in bed every night wishing that someone would just hold me.

My heart feels so empty. I have no escape. I don't know how to fix it. I don't want this scab on my heart. But I guess the damage is already done.

I fill my life with the problems of other people hoping that it will consume me and I won't have to worry about my own troubles. It works most of the time. I don't mind it. Maybe the scars will fade by time I snap out of it. I just hate these times when I'm so down. I wish I knew when it would all get better.